A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken. Proverbs 15:13
There may be thoughts and feelings that trouble you that are consistent with living in an abusive situation. Below is a quick personal evaluation to enable you to more closely assess the kinds of thoughts that you are living with. Just respond mentally yes or no. Perhaps a pattern will emerge.
- Sometimes I feel like my spouse has become a stranger to me.
- When my husband is around, I feel unsettled or fearful.
- When my husband is around, I feel like I need to behave differently.
- Sometimes I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him.
- I don’t laugh like I used to.
- My husband comes from an abusive or neglectful background.
- I came from an abusive or neglectful background.
- I have consistently struggled with my own self-esteem.
- When I come home or when he comes home, I try to quickly sense what kind of mood he is in.
- I have nightmares where things are out of control, or where I am running away from something.
- I feel like my husband doesn’t like me.
- I feel like I am not allowed to need anything from him.
- I feel like I have to pretend I am not hurting.
- There are times my spouse is overly harsh with the children.
- He speaks badly of me in front of the children and encourages them to disrespect me.
- I don’t trust my own judgment.
- I consistently feel depressed.
- I feel like my husband’s needs and desires always come first.
- My husband sometimes gives me the silent treatment.
- I am afraid to talk to my husband.
- I feel like I have to constantly prove myself.
- I sometimes sense that he’s hiding something.
- I have caught him lying to me.
- I feel like I don’t really matter.
- I feel like I’m never good enough.
- I don’t feel safe.
- I feel lonely.
- I feel lost.
- I feel insecure.
- I feel confused.
- I feel like I’ve lost my identity.
- I feel like I have no value.
- I feel like he is trying to keep me away from my friends and/or family.
- I feel like I don’t know how to get close to him.
- I feel like he does things to intentionally hurt me or put me down.
- He gets angry or impatient with me over little things.
- I always feel like I need to try harder.
- I mentally rehearse the things I want to say to him.
- He is critical of the way I do things.
- Sometimes I feel like most of our problems are my fault.
- I feel like I need to keep issues affecting our relationship a secret.
- I feel like I need to protect his image and reputation.
- It feels like he must always “win.”
- Other people see him differently than I do.
- If something goes wrong in his life or someone doesn’t like him, it is almost always someone else’s fault.
- He treats me badly.
- He puts down my friends and/or family.
- He is an expert on everything.
- He says things that are hurtful.
- If I tell him he hurt my feelings, he tells me I’m being overly sensitive.
- I’m not allowed to need anything.
- He likes to be in control.
- There are times I don’t want to go home.
- If I question something he does, he accuses me of being bossy, nosy or paranoid.
- I feel guilty that I’m unhappy.
An Informal Abuse Assessment*
32 Comments
Hi Cindy. I have been abused by my father as a child both physically, emotionally and verbally. I then fell into a very abusive relationship that included every type imaginable. I thought I met my knight who saved me from all of that. In the beginning he was so kind, compassionate and supportive. We have been together for ten years now and makes jokes or excuses every time marriage comes up. We have 2 children together, my daughter has ADHD and defiant disorder and my youngest son has autism and is nonverbal. I have suffered with debilitating depression since forever. After reading your checklist, I believe I am being emotionally and verbally abused. My fiancé claims to be a big religious person, but to me I don’t think God would approve of the way he treats me. He hates my family and says my depression is all in my head. Within the last several years it has gotten so bad I can’t get myself out of bed. I know that I have faults and he has the right to be frustrated with me. But he constantly puts me down and belittles me in front our young children. He adores my oldest daughter from a previous marriage but hates my older son from the abusive relationship he ‘saved’ me from. My son has since left and moved in with his father. He doesn’t even want him to visit me. I haven’t seen him in over a month. He says that he’s trying to help me, shake me up and give me the truth, all to help me. I feel like he hates me and is always attacking me. Several times when my car broke down he yelled at me so I feel like I cannot ask him for help. He holds all the money and I don’t even get an allowance and I’m afraid to ask him for help. I don’t know how to talk to him, to be close to him and I’m always feeling like I’m walking on eggshells around him. I cannot wake up to get my kids on the bus. I have severe chronic pain in my back and he calls me a pill popper. I feel like no matter what I do it is never good enough. We used to have food stamps and husky a but since his new job we don’t get help for food and our children are now on husky b band 1. He feels like counseling for our daughter with ADHD is dumb and refuses to pay the $10 co-pays. He buys little food and won’t help me with gas for my car or cigarettes. I feel completely alone and know that I’m not the best mother which he tells me daily. I would end my life right now if I wasn’t so scared. He yells all the time and makes me feel like I’m unable to do anything right. People think that he’s so wonderful, even my oldest daughter sides with him no matter how he treats me. I hate when he puts me down in front of my kids. He’s angry all the time and is no longer the person he was when we first met. I have no money, no job and have nowhere to go if I left him. Sometimes I feel he wants me to leave or to kill myself. We have no food, he has no patience and I never thought I was being abused until he attacked me verbally (no swear words) at my daughters counseling appt tonight. He made it all about me and that it’s all my fault our daughter has these problems. I have no idea what the counselor thought of his actions. I feel worthless and that I was not meant for this world. I take anxiety meds to help. He always says he’s just trying to help me but he never is caring or supportive in a positive way. He blames my family for how I am and even says things like no wonder my ex was the way he was and that things my ex had done to me which I know were wrong, were not his fault because of me. I feel hopeless and don’t know what to do. We went to a fair and he didn’t even give me and the kids money to eat. He’s always saying he doesn’t have any money but I know he does. When my oldest daughter he loves so much is around, all of a sudden he’s buying her favorite foods. I’m confused, lonely and hopeless right now. I feel that my family would be better off without me. He never says he’s sorry and doesn’t care that he hurts me or makes me cry. Crying only makes him angrier at me. I don’t know what to do. Pls help me if you can.
Thank you,
I hate myself.
Hello, Cheri.
I appreciate that you took the time to write and apologize for the delay in responding. We recently moved, and I have been a little over-extended. Let me just say for starters that you don’t have to live this way. Making a change may require a significant life change for you. What you describe is absolutely abusive and unacceptable. You will need to be willing to make some drastic life choices to get out of this toxic environment, and I hope you are prepared to do so. I have worked with other women who have felt inadequate and trapped who have successfully left their abusers and reclaimed their value and their lives. You can do it too if you are willing. I also have to believe that your son cares about where you are and wants to see you healthy and happy. Begin the work of educating yourself on the abuse dynamic, trust your instincts on what you are seeing and feeling and begin working the issue from the standpoint of becoming independent. I know it will be a lot of work, but it can be done if you are determined to get out.
You can do this. Don’t give up. Don’t give in and don’t believe your abuser’s lies about who you are.
I look forward to h hearing from you.
Cindy
Don’t care to post but if we could email or chat
Thank Dee
Hello, Dee. You are welcome to e-mail me through the contact e-mail form. I also provide telephone consultations for a fee, if you are interested, and, depending on your situation, I might encourage you to get a copy of my e-book. Feel free to write me, and we can take it from there.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Cindy
Hello Cindy. I’m not really sure where to even begin. My name is Victoria, I am 18 years old and my mother has been in an abusive relationship/ marriage ever since I was 4. My mother grew up in a neglectful home, and has always had self esteem and depression issues. She met my father in high school and had me when she was 16. Then at 19 years old, she had my brother, Berkeley. They were happy, they really loved each other. However, due to my moms past, she believed my father could do much better than her. So although she loved him, she left him, and ran into the arms of my stepdad(the abuser). I don’t remember much about how things were when they first got together, because I was so young. From what my mother has told me, she was unhappy with him from the very beginning. He was mean. He put her down. Called her horrible things. But she was pregnant with my sister, kandace, so she refused to leave. He is not only abusive with my mother, he is abusive with all of us. The abuse isn’t physical or sexual, it’s mental and emotional. Ever since I was 4 years old he’s been abusing me as well. He says that I’ll never amount to anything, I’m worthless, a waste of space, No one will ever love me, the only way I’ll ever be able to support my self is if I work on the corner, I’m a sorry excuse for a person, “my day will come”, I’ll die long before he will because I’m such a bad person, ect. Basically anything horrible you can say to someone, I’ve been hearing since I was 4. Just about everyday for the past 14 years. He says the same kind of things to my mom, And sister. He’s never happy with anything she does for him. He tells her how much he hates her everyday. He even has my 9 year old brother cussing at all of us and saying the same things he does. My other brother, Berkeley doesn’t even really come around because my stepdad is so rude to him. My mom is convinced that Berkeley just hates her, which isn’t the case at all. My mom is always going in and out of depression, she tries to act like she’s okay, but I know her. She’s not okay. She has anxiety as well and I think she may also suffer from BWS. My mother is an amazing woman, and I know she would never intentionally harm her children in any way. I really don’t think she understands how much my stepdads abuse is affecting my brothers and my sister and myself. I don’t think she understands the full extent of the affect it has on her either. Sometimes, she takes her anger out on me. She yells and cusses at me and I just go up to my room. She usually comes to me crying and profusely apologizing a little while later. We really need to get out of this situation before things get worse. We have mad a few feeble attempts such as: secretly looking for houses and apartments, trying to figure out the expenses, and my mom even got herself a job(which I think is slowly boosting her self confidence). None of theses attempts have gone past looking before my mom decides that it can’t be done. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try telling my mom how great and pretty and amazing she is everyday but I don’t think it’s helping with my stepdad telling her the exact opposite every chance he gets. Please help me. I feel completely helpless when it comes to attempting to help my gmother. I can’t live like this anymore, and my mom can’t either. I can’t allow my siblings to grow up thinking that this is okay and normal. This is not okay. Please help me.
Thank you.
Hello, Victoria.
Your family’s story is tragic, and you are obviously wise beyond your years, and I’m glad you took the time to write..
Rather than posting my response here, I would like to respond to you directly at the e-mail address you provided. Let me know if that will work for you.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Cindy
Hello, Victoria.
Since I did not hear from you, I would like to attempt a brief response here. Although it is unfortunate that you have been put in this position, your ability to see the abuse in your mother’s life may be the key to unlocking the denial or fear that holds her hostage. I hope you will encourage her to educate herself on abuse. On my end, I would encourage her to read several articles I have available: “Ten Lies Enablers Tell Themselves,” “Why an Abuse Victim Doesn’t Leave (In Six Words),” “Exploiting the Feminine Heart,” and “Maybe I Was Married to an Abuser.” They can all be found from the articles link on my webpage.
She needs to know that there are always options, that doing with less is far superior to living with an abuser, that she should begin to tell her secrets and ask for help from others. I am happy to help and encourage her along this journey. She is welcome to write to me.
Thank you for taking the time and making the effort to help your mother and your siblings – and yourself. You all deserve better.
I hope to hear from you further.
Cindy
cindy I would love to chat through email. Please contact me … I also would like to read the article about why we don’t leave…. Thanks so much.
So im just now begining to believe i am a victim of verbal abuse. Im 19 & hes 33. We have been living together for almost a year. Sometimes hes nice. He helps me alot. Hes always there when i need him. But he acts like a savage when he gets mad at me, super disrespectful! He swears at me over everything. Im not allowed to have friends or do anything. I cant be around my family too long. Cause hell blow up my phone to come home. Hes super controlling. Hes a macho man men can & women cant. He gets in my face and swears at me threating to hospitalize me & that he will break my face & that he will knock me out. Etc. It lowers my self esteem to the floor and i feel depressed when he raises his fist at me. Im scared he will break my nose or something im 110lb im pretty skinny. Hes buff and strong. Hed kill me. I smoke weed to make me feel numb..and he hates it i still cook, clean and do everything im supposed to i cnt understand why hes so disrespectful. He always says im no good. That im dumb, calls me a bitch. And i have to smoke weed just to seem like im okay when in reality my heart is hurting. And i hate this cause i really do love him and wish he would just stop. Another thing when ever i dont want to have sex cause im unhappy with him or whatever the case maybe, he doesnt care he just does with out me wanting to. And i cant get him off i cant do anything because hes stronger than me. I just want us to be happy.
Hello, “Ash.”
I’m so very sorry to read your account here. You were obviously looking for information regarding abuse. What you have described is definitely abusive.
Dear friend, you really need to separate from him so that you can begin to learn about the abuse dynamic and the role you play in it. The information I provide on this website and in my book, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” can help you to get grounded and become stronger so that you can begin the process of reclaiming your value and your life.
For starters, I would like to encourage you to read several pieces on the site based on what you shared. The first is, “Isolation: Another Weapon in the Abuser’s Arsenal,” “Give Me Five Minutes,” “Ten Lies Enablers Tell Themselves,” and “Sleeping with an Abuser.”
You need to know that many women, me included, have been where you are. I spent 20 years in an abusive marriage. If you can discover now what it is you are living in and break free, you will be way ahead of the game. I know it hurts, and it’s scary. I want you to know that you are not alone.
Please do your homework here. See this for what it is and address it head-on. Begin today. You know you deserve better, and you do not have to live this way.
You are also welcome to e-mail me privately through the Contact Cindy page on the website if you’d like. I will do what I can to help.
I hope you will let me know what you decide to do.
Cindy
Hi Cindy,
I have some questions as far as abuse and I’m pretty sure my husband is abusive but he makes me feel like I’m overreacting. He controls the money and told me when we relocated for his job that I didn’t have to work, (I previously had my own daycare). Almost immediately, he started throwing in my face that he works and I don’t do anything- even though we have a son I stay at home with, I feel like the house always has to be clean, dinner prepared and laundry has to be done to show him what I’ve done thoughout the day so he won’t make mean comments to me when he gets home. Just today I asked him if he would help me peel potatoes and he called me lazy and that’s my job. If my makeup isn’t on, he makes comments to me saying to take off my mask.y son is 4 so I know if he sees this now, there’s a great chance he will repeat as most abuse is a cycle. I do get yelled at or put down in front of friends or should I say, “corrected”. When he is angry, things like – leave, wish he never married me, things like that fly out of his mouth. I need advice as to reconize and take control. Hoping you can help.
Hello, Kristen.
I’m glad that you found the website and took the time to share here.
Let me just say from the outset that even just the little you shared here is wholly consistent with abuse. To begin to get your footing, I hope you will continue to educate yourself on the abuse dynamic and the role we as enabler-victims play. Several articles I would initially recommend include, “Why An Abuse Victim Doesn’t Leave (In Six Words),” and “If Only He Would Hit Me.”
I am happy to help as I can, and you are welcome to e-mail me privately so that we can “converse” further. The link to my e-mail can be found on the “About Cindy” page.
You mention taking control. Generally speaking, getting your abuser to change may not be an option and, as you begin to see the dynamic more clearly, you will better understand why I say that.
Just know that what you are describing is not love, it is abuse. Know that you are not crazy, you are not over-reacting, and it is not your fault. Begin there, continue to educate yourself, and take one day at a time.
I hope to hear from you.
Cindy
Hello Cindy
I recently married the love of my life 3 months ago. He broke his leg at the end of November and it seems as if the more he sits at home the nastier he acts towards me. I was yelled at on 4 different occasions today for not understanding what he was talking about and called stupid when he referenced something I told him that I didn’t catch onto right away. He says that he does not feel safe around me (we live alone with me being the only person that takes care of him). When we first met he was very nice and we lived together for a tear prior to tying the knot. Once we moved into our recent home a year ago he seems to criticize me more even in public around his family. He claims I let myself go and two months ago told me I dressed like a bum and that he was embarrassed to be seen with me. I know that I am not perfect but it seems like nothing I do is right. I try to explain the way I am feeling to him and he tells me it’s my fault I let people affect me and that any time he speaks or yells at me that he is not doing it to tear me down but it is exactly what it does. I no longer cry in front of him because he said it was a cop out so he would feel bad for me and stop criticizing me in that moment. He says that I do not listen to him which is out of order with our beliefs as he is the head of the household but I do listen it just seems like the things he wants me to do and listen to change day to day depending on how he is feeling. He recently asked me to fix the bedding on the couch for him and when I went to do it he yelled at me to fix the middle so I did that he then said I don’t listen no matter how many times he talks to me and told me to just leave it alone. It is all very confusing for me. I don’t usually look for answers online but I have nobody else to talk to and don’t want my family to know what is going on.
Please help me…
Hello, Marie.
I am so sorry to read your story. I am confident that you found this website because you already know that what you are living with is abuse. So allow me to validate your experience and tell you that, based on everything you shared, you are living with an abuser. Your instincts are speaking truth. You know in your heart that the way that man treats you is wrong, that you do not deserve to be treated that way, and you don’t want to like that.
You don’t have to. If you are prepared to leave that environment, then I encourage you to do so. Separation is the best way to gain the clarity you seek, to see from a distance the truth about who he is and how he is treating you. You need to know that for the abuser, this is a game, a chess match. An abuser looks for your vulnerabilities, your soft spots. An abuser will say or do whatever is necessary to get what he wants. Crazy-making, put-downs, criticism, lies, manipulation, cruelty, irrational anger and the like – all of these things are perfectly acceptable weapons in the abuser’s arsenal. You need to see them for what they are, learn to trust your instincts and refuse to buy into his lies or accept his terrible treatment of you.
I want to encourage you to keep reading the articles I have available on the site, consider getting my book, “Why Is He So Mean to Me?” which is available as an e-book for only $8.95. It is also available here or on Amazon as a paperback and several reviews can be found there. Arm yourself with knowledge and begin the process of reclaiming your life.
I will help as I can. You are welcome to e-mail me through the “Contact Cindy” link from the “About Cindy” tab.
Now that you know the truth, begin the work of breaking the cycle of abuse in your life. You don’t have to live that way and you shouldn’t.
I hope you will stay in touch.
Sincerely,
Cindy