Tag Archives: Violence and Abuse

Here are the links to the podcasts for the radio show I was on…

Cindy on the radio, part 1

Cindy on the radio, part 2

My conversation with my counselor went something like this:

“I feel like I’m chasing after him. It’s like I’m trying to convince him that I’m worth loving.”

“What do you think will happen if you stop?”

“I’ll lose him”

“Stop anyway.”

God knows I did my best to keep my husband from walking away from me, his children, his home. I cannot count the nights I had lain awake crafting to perfection the words I might use to help him see that his choices and behavior were tearing up our marriage and our family. Or the number of times I confronted him with hurtful evidence of moral failures that were chipping away at the foundation of marital trust.

“It is better to be from a broken home than to live in one.”

I wish I knew the name of the pastor I heard on the radio who offered up that stunning  statement. I’ll admit my surprise knowing it was a pastor who said it. I remember smiling to  myself and exclaiming aloud, “Thank you.” For what he shared is something rarely heard.

For an abuse victim who dares to reveal to her friends and family members her inclination to leave her abuser, she often hears something quite different than what the pastor asserted. She will more likely hear, “What about the children?”

There it is: an emotional trump card, a ticking time bomb. Any convictions about escaping the emotional harm she and her children might face on a daily basis are at once upended and she finds herself catapulted into visions of an unavoidably disastrous future. Could it be that perhaps separating from the abuser will only make things worse? Is it true that a child is better off in an abusive household where both parents are present than in a broken home?

Mr. Religious-Abuser,

My name is Doug Burrell, co-founder of a ministry that helps women who are married to super religious, super anointed, scripture spouting, pharisaical vipers who are full of dead men’s bones!

If you’re reading this letter, it most likely applies to you. Who in the hell do you think you are treating a precious gift from God the way you do?  I know how you play the game;  how you are always faithful in church and how you put on a great smile with everyone you meet. How you are falsely charming to everyone BUT your wife! I know you have the pastor and many others fooled into thinking you’re the next best thing since sliced bread. Well guess what? I know it’s all a lie! That’s right! You’re just a scared little man, afraid that everyone will find out who you really are. That’s the reason for the show. Your entire life is an act, and you know it!  News Flash – The world doesn’t revolve around you, and NO you’re not special at all!

Abusers are extremely predictable. In my experience as a survivor and now through encounters with other abuse victims and survivors, it is apparent that the abuser’s response to separation from his or her enabler-victim taps into a collection of tactics that is shockingly consistent. So, in the event that you have separated or are considering leaving an abusive relationship, it might be helpful to get a small taste of some of the things you can expect, together with a few recommendations on how to stay grounded. Of course, these are generalities. It is impossible to predict what every abuser will do, but the pattern is often very much the same.

Upon separating from an abuser, you can expect him to: