Tag Archives: Psychological abuse

Abusers are extremely predictable. In my experience as a survivor and now through encounters with other abuse victims and survivors, it is apparent that the abuser’s response to separation from his or her enabler-victim taps into a collection of tactics that is shockingly consistent. So, in the event that you have separated or are considering leaving an abusive relationship, it might be helpful to get a small taste of some of the things you can expect, together with a few recommendations on how to stay grounded. Of course, these are generalities. It is impossible to predict what every abuser will do, but the pattern is often very much the same.

Upon separating from an abuser, you can expect him to:

Can the abuser change? The short answer: Yes.

Anyone can change. It’s a matter of desire, will and motive. Healthy people are generally desirous of change when they genuinely care about how their actions affect others and will accept an opportunity to contribute to their relationships in a meaningful way.

Does the abuser really want to change? The short answer: No.

Abusers don’t care if you’re happy; they care if they’re happy. Their control is far more important than your happiness. Therefore, on the occasion where his enabler-victim identifies an area of dissatisfaction or conflict in the relationship, the abuser will quickly attempt to squelch any discontent through verbal jeopardizing, diminishment or yelling.

In the must-read book, “Captivating,” co-authored with her husband (John Eldredge, the well-known author of “Wild at Heart”), Stasi Eldredge lays bare the deepest cries of a woman’s heart. Mrs. Eldredge betrays with painful vulnerability and sensitivity all of womanhood’s ever-pervasive yearning. A woman wants to know: Do you see me? Am I lovely?

Every young girl and woman longs to be known; to be seen. Her spirit dares to assent to the understanding that she is uniquely wondrous and worthy of love and affection. Her deepest desire and greatest joy is to have that truth affirmed in her life, particularly by a man – first her father and then her mate. We come alive with the telling of a sweet love story and hope that one day we might be at the center of one.

In fact, being convinced that I am not alone in my fantasies, I confess my belief in what might be called fairy-tale love, even a “prince,” an honorable man who singles me out above all other women – his “princess.” He sees me as intrinsically beautiful and special, worthy of pursuit and protection. He hears not just the words that leave my lips, but those that emanate from my heart. He wants me to know that I am loved and for me to feel secure, content and satisfied. He prizes me. He sees me.

Dear Enabler-Victim Friends:

Our actions reflect our belief system. As a recovering enabler, I have discovered that we enablers adhere to many common beliefs and thought processes as we attempt to cope in an abusive relationship. Maybe it’s time to compare some of our thoughts to reality.

See for yourself whether I know what you’re thinking, with the help of my own version of ESP: “Enabler-isms Stated Plainly”

Who’s Convincing Whom?

The abuser is trying to convince you that you are not worth loving, and you are trying to convince him that you are.

Disclaimer: It is understood that women as well as men can be abusers; however, the overwhelming majority of abusers are male. For this reason, references to abusers are in the masculine. The reader’s understanding is appreciated.

In my own experience, and in my exposure to the experiences of other women who are abuse victims, it is apparent that there is a bizarre, almost word-for-word script associated with the behaviors and character qualities of abusers. Although I have not been exposed to physical abuse, a majority of these earmarks seem to be evident, whether the abuse is physical, verbal and/or emotional. Here we go…