Tag Archives: manipulation

“Strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.”  WarGames

You may not even know he holds them, but the odds are good that, if you are in an abusive relationship, you have had these thrown at you more than once.

They are trump cards.

Abusers almost always have a trump card or two tucked into their pockets.  Just when you think that your reasoning might bring about a favorable resolution to a conflict, he pulls one of these babies out and drops it on the table.  Then what do you do?  You’ve just been undermined, shut down and dismissed.  The conversation is over, and you have lost.

 “I don’t care what you think.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Just go away and leave me alone.”

“I’m done talking to you.”

“I have made my decision.”

“Just do as I say.”

“You will submit to me.”

“…purify your hearts, you double-minded.”  James 4:8b

An abuse victim’s thought process is a paradox as her mind waffles between extremes  – a simmering resentment toward her abuser juxtaposed against a desperate, if destructive, addiction to him.  The Scripture says that “…the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.”[i]  It is a vivid picture, capturing well the tempest of confusion in which many an abuse victim finds herself as she endeavors  to make sense of the mixed messages she hears.

This is a French video with subtitles, but it is well worth the time to watch and share with others to help them to understand how the dynamics of verbal and emotional abuse incrementally, insidiously destroy the victim.

It is one thing to watch this brief clip and see the pain in the woman’s eyes, but quite another to imagine living with a man like him day after day, week after week, year after year.  And he  never strikes her.

This is the kind of thing that most people do not understand.  The man is not going through a difficult time or having a bad day, nor is he merely unable to see his wife’s needs.  He doesn’t care about anything but himself and what he wants and expects.  The poor woman is his possession, not his partner.

See if you can identify the various tactics the man uses.

Trigger Warning:  This will likely churn up painful memories for the recovering abuse victim.

A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.  Proverbs 15:13

I know how hard it is to be in that in-between place, wondering whether you are simply going through a difficult season in your relationship or whether the relationship is truly abusive. If this is where you find yourself, the assessment I have provided below is a good place to start.

Every relationship has an air, a dynamic that engenders an array of thoughts and feelings reflective of it, whether peace, contentment and safety, or fear, confusion and chaos. If you are living in an abusive relationship, you have probably worked hard to convince yourself that the thoughts and feelings that trouble you are unique to your situation or are perhaps over exaggerated when, in fact, those natural responses may be telling you that you are sharing your home with an abuser.

This quick personal evaluation should enable you to more closely assess the kinds of thoughts and feelings that characterize your lifestyle and your relationship.

Those who have never experienced abuse tend to be bewildered by the victim’s mindset. It does seem utterly ridiculous that anyone subject to physical or emotional harm would deliberately choose to remain one more minute with the jerk who is inflicting it. The outsider will reason, “Well, if she is so determined to stay, the situation must not be that bad.”

If things are so terrible, then why doesn’t she leave?

The shortest possible answer: She believes tomorrow will be different.

From everything I have witnessed and experienced, the abuse victim remains because of an undying hope that her magical moment is imminent – when her relationship and her life will be restored – and if not today, then tomorrow. She sincerely believes that she is only one small step from redemption, not realizing that there is, in fact, a chasm of extraordinary proportions that separates her from her imagined destination. Surely, the slightest change in her manner, his nature, or their circumstances will bring an end to this season, and these dark days will be remembered no more. It is only a matter of time. The promising future seems so real she can almost touch it.