Tag Archives: family

 “Transgression speaks to the ungodly within his heart; there is no fear of God before his eyes.  For it flatters him in his own eyes concerning the discovery of his iniquity and the hatred of it.  The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit; He has ceased to be wise and to do good. He plans wickedness upon his bed; He sets himself on a path that is not good; He does not despise evil.”  Psalm 36:1

During a conversation with a young woman outside a local church, she began to timidly open up about how terrified she was to go home.  Try as she might, she simply could not hold herself together.  She began to tremble, the tears began to flow, and her voice broke as she shared that she was praying for clarity with regard to her relationship with her admittedly abusive husband.  I listened intently and then said as gently as I could, “I think those tears are providing you with all the clarity you need.”  And as the truth slowly began to sink in, she wiped her eyes and nodded in solemn agreement.

I have no idea how long she had been carrying that heavy burden, but I found it tragically ironic when I discovered that she was employed at that church.  I had to wonder how many people in her circle had been aware of her torment and whether those same people told her all the things she “just” needed to do to minister to her wayward husband and save their marriage.

His mouth is full of curses and deceit and oppression; under his tongue is mischief and wickedness.

Proverbs 10:7

Just because an abuser is not raging does not mean he is suddenly safe or honest or genuine.  An abuser’s words cannot be trusted.  He is an artful deceiver and, in many cases, an out-and-out liar.  Words are simply a tool that can be fashioned to support his desired reality.

Of course, a healthy relationship should be grounded in truth, honesty and mutual concern, but the abuser does not share these values.  His primary concern is his own welfare, and where honesty should reign, he will not hesitate to construct and reconstruct a psychological house of mirrors that his victim must slog her way through, her objective being to somehow find some hard truth to hold onto amid the confusion.  The typical abuser seems quite adept at avoidance, deflection, deception, redirection, feigning ignorance, shifting blame or simply lying when the need arises.

In one such scenario, he might arrive home with an outlandishly expensive tool or toy that is either unnecessary or unaffordable (probably not the first time), but it’s something he wants.  Shocked by his spontaneous purchase, you may broach the issue by saying, “I thought we agreed we would not make any big purchases without discussing them.”

Journal Entry:

March 11, 2003

 I now look at life differently.  My children are more precious to me than ever.  I love to hear them laugh and to daily tell them I love them and kiss them good-night.  Colors seem more vivid.  The breeze on my skin is fresh and invigorating.  I find myself smiling for no good or apparent reason.  It is as though I have peeled off my old life, and a brand new one is emerging.  At 43, can life really begin again?  If so, I pray that I am living proof of it.

 My emotions are all so intense — whether joy or sadness, peace or turmoil.  Everything I am feeling seems to have been impassioned by some unseen force.  What is going on?  What has happened to me?  Is this a natural phenomenon that all people experience when they have gone through a tragic divorce, or a short-term phase in life which leads only back to mediocrity?  God forbid.  Is it because my depression and fear had held me in bondage for so long that now I am finally experiencing the true range of emotions which were trapped beneath the surface?  That is exactly how it feels.  And, I fear the possibility of going back into that dreadful prison.  Even feeling the pain in its fullness far surpasses the numbness which came from locking it inside, running from it, believing I could somehow override it. 

 So, this is what life is like.  What angels long to peer into.  I’ll take it.

In response to an initial introduction and the typical inquiries of new acquaintances, I will generally begin by saying that I am married and have four children. In truth, I am a mother of five children. One has gone on before me.

Two years after our fourth child was born, I became pregnant again. It wasn’t an intentional pregnancy, and I was less than excited about the prospect of adding another family member to an already full household. I actually prayed that God might take the child and was even tempted to wonder if ending its life early would be best in light of our circumstances. But, as I sought the Lord and looked into the eyes of the four little pieces of eternity that challenged and blessed me day after day, I came to appreciate that God’s gifts and His plan always far exceed my expectations.