Tag Archives: conflict

Those who have never experienced abuse tend to be bewildered by the victim’s mindset. It does seem utterly ridiculous that anyone subject to physical or emotional harm would deliberately choose to remain one more minute with the jerk who is inflicting it. The outsider will reason, “Well, if she is so determined to stay, the situation must not be that bad.”

If things are so terrible, then why doesn’t she leave?

The shortest possible answer: She believes tomorrow will be different.

From everything I have witnessed and experienced, the abuse victim remains because of an undying hope that her magical moment is imminent – when her relationship and her life will be restored – and if not today, then tomorrow. She sincerely believes that she is only one small step from redemption, not realizing that there is, in fact, a chasm of extraordinary proportions that separates her from her imagined destination. Surely, the slightest change in her manner, his nature, or their circumstances will bring an end to this season, and these dark days will be remembered no more. It is only a matter of time. The promising future seems so real she can almost touch it.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  Anais Nin

In my years in this ministry, I have found that there are some people who seem to be reaching out for help and insight and healing.  But, after many months – even years – many who profess to want help refuse to receive it.  For whatever reason, they either cannot or will not relinquish their tragic identity as an abuse victim to embrace the promising future that lies before them.  These people seem quite stuck, perpetually unreachable.

Initially upon leaving an abusive relationship it makes perfect sense to share the many secrets that have been kept, to receive healthy measures of validation and comfort and direction. Sadly, the unreachable have a difficult time getting beyond that stage.  They are continually undone, interminably possessed by their disturbing memories.  They can recount their tragic stories forwards and backwards, inside out, upside down and sideways.  Even many years after being removed from their suffering, their anguish fairly pours out of them with the slightest nudge.  It is heart-breaking – a seemingly impossible scenario.  The unreachable ones’ identity is wrapped so tightly around their history that they seem to have become resigned to their identity as victim.

Very recently, I received an e-mail from the sister of an abuse victim. It seems the writer’s abusive brother-in-law has instigated hostilities between himself and his victim-wife and her family. At one point, he threatened to seek a restraining order against his wife’s parents, and they no longer have contact with her. As a result of this craziness, the victim’s family is strongly considering relinquishing the poor woman to her chosen fate based on their belief that she is either apathetic or condones the abuser’s behaviors.

The victim’s sister contacted me in an effort to better understand why her sister would accept these happenings. She provided some background and then posed these questions to me:

“When you were in your abusive relationship – were you cruel also? This has been going on for two years. I’m starting not to care about her – she’s a faint memory and the pain they have both caused – well her own parents are shut down and done. If you shut off family – did they take you back?”

“The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?”  Jeremiah 17:9

I tromped downstairs in my usual stupor one weekday morning to brew a fresh pot of coffee before heading to work and found our black Labrador, Belle, at the foot of the stairs, wagging her tail enthusiastically and prancing about in anticipation of her breakfast.  On most days, one of the kids beats me to the task, yet Belle has learned that if she puts on a good show, she might succeed in convincing me or any other unsuspecting family member who ventures downstairs later in the morning that she is famished.  Our clever dog has often enjoyed a second meal before one of us realizes that we have been duped by her well-rehearsed antics.

Actually we were both on the radio yesterday.  Well sort of.  We recorded two hours of discussion on marriage and divorce.  Cindy and I are both christian and on our second marriage.  In a lot of church circles this is not just a taboo subject to speak of but also a taboo thing to do.

Getting married a second time is just something that is not talked about in the church. Well during this radio show we discuss our personal stories of marriage and divorce.  We also touch on the subject of abuse in the church, which is our main focus in our ministry.

We sure had a lot of fun! Two hours was over in a flash.

I will post links as they are made available. In the meantime if you want to hear other recordings of Cindy discussing abuse, visit our website at  Hurtbylove.com

Sorry I had some computer issues and had to delete and re-post this article