Tag Archives: Christian

“No one else will ever want you.”

It is as though he has taken a branding iron and seared the words into your soul.  Rather than reject them and recognize that the one who speaks is both cruel and a liar, you find yourself teetering on the edge of self-doubt, pondering the words, allowing them to resonate and take root – undisputed.

“Why would he say something so hurtful?  He must see something that I don’t see in myself.  What if I am truly unlovable, a loser, a failure?” 

It is a heartless deception.  Should you allow those thoughts to simmer, apart from a proper understanding of the abuser’s agenda, you may begin to accept and even believe the lie, if for no other reason than the one spewing the slander also has the audacity to tell you that he loves you.  It is somehow easier to accept that he is sincere than to believe that he is deliberately trying to hurt you – and therefore doesn’t really love you at all.  That option is just too painful to entertain, and that little crack in your broken heart allows his hurtful words to seep in.

A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken.  Proverbs 15:13

I know how hard it is to be in that in-between place, wondering whether you are simply going through a difficult season in your relationship or whether the relationship is truly abusive. If this is where you find yourself, the assessment I have provided below is a good place to start.

Every relationship has an air, a dynamic that engenders an array of thoughts and feelings reflective of it, whether peace, contentment and safety, or fear, confusion and chaos. If you are living in an abusive relationship, you have probably worked hard to convince yourself that the thoughts and feelings that trouble you are unique to your situation or are perhaps over exaggerated when, in fact, those natural responses may be telling you that you are sharing your home with an abuser.

This quick personal evaluation should enable you to more closely assess the kinds of thoughts and feelings that characterize your lifestyle and your relationship.

I would like to introduce you to Amberly – the youngest of my four children, a sweet-natured darling, a delight to know and have around.  At 18-years of age, she is a petite little thing, standing at five-foot-nothing, with long dark hair and soft hazel eyes. Since the day she was born, she has been an easy-going child.  Compliant and sweet-natured, I have never witnessed her being deliberately harsh with anyone, not even her siblings.  I can count on one hand the number of times I actually had to discipline her, and in those moments when I did, I thought her little heart would break just knowing she had disappointed me. On more than one occasion when she was young and I would accompany her to her friends’ birthday parties and school carnivals, a mother would introduce herself and kindly inquire as to whether Amberly was my child.  Upon replying with a smile, the woman would gaze at me with a measure of awe, and might teasingly ask if I might be willing to trade my Amberly for her little trouble-maker.  I would smile proudly and offer a definitive “No way.” She was such a remarkable little girl.

Very recently, I received an e-mail from the sister of an abuse victim. It seems the writer’s abusive brother-in-law has instigated hostilities between himself and his victim-wife and her family. At one point, he threatened to seek a restraining order against his wife’s parents, and they no longer have contact with her. As a result of this craziness, the victim’s family is strongly considering relinquishing the poor woman to her chosen fate based on their belief that she is either apathetic or condones the abuser’s behaviors.

The victim’s sister contacted me in an effort to better understand why her sister would accept these happenings. She provided some background and then posed these questions to me:

“When you were in your abusive relationship – were you cruel also? This has been going on for two years. I’m starting not to care about her – she’s a faint memory and the pain they have both caused – well her own parents are shut down and done. If you shut off family – did they take you back?”

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick…” Proverbs 13:12

From a very young age, my second-born son, Brett, was positively delightful.  He had a contagious smile that could light up a room, bright, dancing eyes and a playful, charming, sensitive disposition.  That is the image of Brett I prefer to remember.

But as the years passed, and my marriage began to crumble under the weight of abuse, neglect and drug and alcohol abuse, I saw my happy, fun-loving Brett begin to withdraw.  The slow progression over time transformed Brett from his lively, fun-loving self into a young boy who was sullen and introverted.  Brett struggled in school, spent long hours alone in his room, comforted himself with junk food, or escaped the tension of our home life by immersing himself in movies and video games.