First off, this is Doug, not Cindy. So forgive my un-gentleness.
Over at Reformed Baptist Fellowship.org Pastor D. Scott Meadows gives us a glimpse into the world of domination and control by wrongly wielding the scriptures to once again enforce the abusers mindset of total Narcissistic behavior and control over his ever so godly and submissive wife.
Here is a link to the manipulative article he wrote. A Christian Wife’s Marriage Catechism
And here is what I think of it!
Those who have never experienced abuse tend to be bewildered by the victim’s mindset. It does seem utterly ridiculous that anyone subject to physical or emotional harm would deliberately choose to remain one more minute with the jerk who is inflicting it. The outsider will reason, “Well, if she is so determined to stay, the situation must not be that bad.”
If things are so terrible, then why doesn’t she leave?
The shortest possible answer: She believes tomorrow will be different.
From everything I have witnessed and experienced, the abuse victim remains because of an undying hope that her magical moment is imminent – when her relationship and her life will be restored – and if not today, then tomorrow. She sincerely believes that she is only one small step from redemption, not realizing that there is, in fact, a chasm of extraordinary proportions that separates her from her imagined destination. Surely, the slightest change in her manner, his nature, or their circumstances will bring an end to this season, and these dark days will be remembered no more. It is only a matter of time. The promising future seems so real she can almost touch it.
My eldest daughter, Charla, recently wrote a paper for her college psychology class about depression and decided to share it with me. The subject of her paper was her younger brother, Brett, and what he suffered as a young boy in an abusive home. (You can read Charla’s account of her class presentation here.)
I feared that reading my daughter’s words about her brother would reach deep and unveil wounds in me that simply refuse to heal – and they did. As I read, I was once again compelled to revisit those dark days, and I began to weep to the point that I could scarcely make out the words on the page. Although her conclusion was positive and encouraging, I had a hard time receiving it. A decade after our escape, the guilt of remaining with that abusive man as long as I did haunts me still.
Seeing me in engulfed in my regret, my husband wrapped a loving arm around my shoulders and said to me, “Don’t do this to yourself. Despise the man.” In a response grounded in unbridled honesty, I lifted my head and half whispered, “And the church that kept me there.”
With her permission, I would like to share this story my eldest child, Charla, wrote for her college psychology class. It is about Brett, my youngest son. I shared an earlier piece about him that you can read here.
Yesterday, I had a group presentation in my psychology class about depression, bipolar disorder, and suicide. Each us had a different section and mine was depression. We agreed to pick real-life examples of people who struggle(d) with each of these things. At the beginning of our presentation, we had picture cards with a blurb of the person’s story on the back. We picked several people to get up in front of the class to show the picture and read the blurb to everyone.
My real-life example was about Brett.
An older man, Tom, agreed to read Brett’s story to the class. On the front of the card was this picture:
And on the back, Tom read this blurb to the class:
My name is Brett. I love superheroes, music, and my brother and sister. I am only 7-years-old when I start going through depression. My dad is a drug addict and an alcoholic, and he is verbally and emotionally abusive toward me. My mom tries to protect me, but she has to be away from the house during the day because she works to support our family. I am afraid to be alone in the house with my dad. I can’t force myself to smile or laugh. I spend most days hiding in my room, and eating to make myself feel better. I don’t believe that anyone truly loves me. I am not even sure that I am worth loving.
It was so touching because, during the middle, Tom got all choked up and he struggled to finish reading it. As he went to sit down, my professor said, “Wow. That must’ve been really hard to read.”
Later on in my presentation, I shared a bit more of Brett’s story with this slide:
Very recently, I received an e-mail from the sister of an abuse victim. It seems the writer’s abusive brother-in-law has instigated hostilities between himself and his victim-wife and her family. At one point, he threatened to seek a restraining order against his wife’s parents, and they no longer have contact with her. As a result of this craziness, the victim’s family is strongly considering relinquishing the poor woman to her chosen fate based on their belief that she is either apathetic or condones the abuser’s behaviors.
The victim’s sister contacted me in an effort to better understand why her sister would accept these happenings. She provided some background and then posed these questions to me:
“When you were in your abusive relationship – were you cruel also? This has been going on for two years. I’m starting not to care about her – she’s a faint memory and the pain they have both caused – well her own parents are shut down and done. If you shut off family – did they take you back?”