Learn about divorce from the experience of a christian abuse victim and survivor.

Christian Divorce Part One

 

Christian Divorce Part Two

 

It is well past time to acknowledge the measure the harm that has been done as a result of the consistent failure of those in authority to recognize God’s intent as it relates to the application of biblical doctrine on the subject of divorce. In Part I, we examined the well-used “God hates divorce,” decree, a formidable trump card often thrown down by the legalists. Exercising a minimal degree of common sense, it is obvious that the warning Malachi penned at God’s direction was a direct response to the selfish acts of disobedient men and had nothing to do with biblical divorce.

But what about Jesus’ teachings on the subject? On most accounts, what we have been taught is that God commands that no one tear apart the one-flesh union created by marriage, and that those who are compelled to divorce surely suffer from a hardened heart. I accepted those teachings at face value for many, many years. Dear reader, if you are struggling with these same issues, I believe you will find the truth and freedom you seek when you understand the story behind the story and grasp our Lord’s pronouncements in their fullness.

At my church like many other churches they have a Men’s Ministry group, although I feel the name should be changed to “Men that Minister.” Anyway, I am always baffled when I am around men and they comment about how they seem to have a hard time connecting with their wives. Or when they share their displeasure of their marriage to me. This happened a long time ago in case someone is lurking and being nosy.

Now, first of all I must let it be known that I certainly do not occupy the corner of the market on wisdom in marriage, nor am I an expert on anything but knowing one thing for sure and that is that Christ came for restoration, and that we should seek restoration in all relationships if possible. I say “if possible” because it takes two too tango. Free will is involved. But when two persons will is to be restored and they seek the great Restorer then all things are possible.

“Please,” the man said, “if you wouldn’t mind,”

And at first I believed he was thoughtful and kind

He pondered a moment, then pointed to where

A rustic old bench sat under the stair

“There are others whose dress is better selected

Whose hair and accoutrements are more keenly collected

But you may observe and keep watch from that place

A distance apart from the revelers’ gaze”

Although his words pierced as a sword through my soul

I timidly moved to my place in the hole

Knowing I never would join in the fray

And the bench became my companion that day

My ragged appearance could not match the rest

Yet my heart beat the same inside of my chest

As I stroked the rough planks of the bench where I waited

My dream of acceptance would not this day be sated

Countless long hours the bench was my friend

Neither shame nor my loneliness came to an end

For my eyes held no beauty, my gait showed no grace

The bench’s cruel judgment was etched on my face

‘Til one day a man came and looked into my eyes

Smiled, took my hand in His, to my surprise

He led me so tenderly, whispered, “There’s more,”

And I feared He might ask me to sit on the floor

I could not still my heart from its penitent race

As He tenderly pulled back the hair from my face

“You are lovely,” He said. “It is so clear to me,

“You are patient and gentle and kind as could be.”

I gasped in His presence, it was clear He had seen

Every tear I had wept, every anguishing dream

And He smiled and He pointed to the front of the hall

Before all of the guests who had come to His ball

“You will never again sit away from the throng

On that horrid old bench where you do not belong

For you are my princess, honored and blessed

From now ‘til forever you’ll be properly dressed

“You have not been forgotten, you have not been alone

I have seen you seated back there from My throne

Receive all I have for you, my darling, my prize

Today I will relish the light in your eyes”

How tragic to see, if I only had known

The bench was a stop on my way to His throne

I’d have held my head high, been proud of my name

For the bench and my beauty were never the same

 © By Cindy Burrell

Can the abuser change? The short answer: Yes.

Anyone can change. It’s a matter of desire, will and motive. Healthy people are generally desirous of change when they genuinely care about how their actions affect others and will accept an opportunity to contribute to their relationships in a meaningful way.

Does the abuser really want to change? The short answer: No.

Abusers don’t care if you’re happy; they care if they’re happy. Their control is far more important than your happiness. Therefore, on the occasion where his enabler-victim identifies an area of dissatisfaction or conflict in the relationship, the abuser will quickly attempt to squelch any discontent through verbal jeopardizing, diminishment or yelling.