“He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, both of them alike are an abomination to the Lord.”  Proverbs 17:15

It happens all the time.  A victim of abuse finds the courage to step out of the shadows of her shame and fear to reveal the truth about what has happened to her.  The trauma she has endured may be a result of molestation or rape, physical abuse, and/or verbal or emotional abuse.  She wants to believe that, once she shares her terrible secret, the people to whom she reaches out will hear her, validate her and comfort her.  But as horrible and shocking as it may seem, she may not receive what she needs.  For reasons that defy logic, many may rise to defend her perpetrator, and she may instead find herself shamed and shunned and even persecuted.  Such is the absurdity of the See-No-Evil Disconnect.    

It is a strange thing to invest so much energy into convincing yourself that your relationship is normal only to one day be jolted by the reality that there is nothing normal about it, to be forced to admit that your relationship is patently unhealthy, destructive, and yes, abusive.

If you put together a list of all the primary strategies that abusers use to keep their victims living a life of emotional paralysis, 99% of them would probably apply to the man to whom I was married for 20 years.  But as I read and hear other women’s stories, other more subtle patterns emerge, and among them is a practice I have struggled to identify even in my own history, a bizarre combination of passive and controlling abuse.

“…the one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.”  James 4:17

A commenter on my blog (who identifies himself as “CR”) recently submitted a response to a woman whose comments appeared on a previous article of mine entitled, “If Only He Would Hit Me?”  I am posting his comments and my response here.

CR’s post was a reply to “Morgan” whose stepfather is abusive. CR wrote, “have you ever put yourself in his [the abuser’s] shoes (empathy) ? Do you know if he finds you difficult too, or have you only considered yourself and how you feel, and not how you behave as we can often be catalyst….you already know your step father’s (sic) behavior is a catalyst in your negative feelings, so perhaps it is a vicious cycle. You can’t change others but you can work on yourself.”

CR’s message is loaded with abuser-ese, so he is either grossly unfamiliar with the abuse dynamic and the abuser mindset or he is an abuser seeking to validate a twisted, self-serving agenda. Regardless, let us take a closer look at CR’s comments and shed light on what he is really saying.

“There smites nothing so sharp, nor smelleth so sour as shame.” William Langland (English poet, 1332-c. 1386)

It ranks among the most painful incidents of my life, an event I never could have foreseen.  It happened during a grueling, four-hour counseling session with my abusive husband – the day before I left him.

At several points in the session, my then-husband stood and raged at me, arms outstretched as I sat terrified in my chair only a few feet away. The counselor did nothing to calm or constrain him (which I now know was highly unprofessional of her).  Over so many years, I had grown accustomed to his blistering, if false, accusations, and was so beaten down I didn’t dare offer a defense.  When my husband finally sat again, awaiting my response, the counselor turned to me where I sat trembling and asked, “What are you feeling, Cindy?” and at that moment the weight of years of torment shredded my composure.  I could muster only, “I’m afraid in my own home.”