One of my readers referred me to Marriage Builder Weekly, a series of weekly articles designed to “save your marriage,” headed up by Jimmy Evans at Marriage Today ministry.

Over the past several weeks, I have responded to a few of the articles to inform the writer (presumably Mr. Evans) of my areas of disagreement, with regard to how the principles they espouse might actually be harmful when applied to a victim of abuse.  I have not yet received a response to any of my messages.

Today, I read their latest piece which arrived in my inbox with the title, “How to Change Fear.”   I was borderline horrified.

“Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.”   

Romans 12:9

As we seek to understand God’s way for us in the midst of an abusive relationship, there are times when the Scriptures can provoke us to doubt or fear the heart of the One who loves us.  The Scriptures indeed acknowledge that there are times when enduring harsh or inappropriate treatment serves as a powerful testimony and can bring glory to God.  But too often we are inclined to believe that, if we are suffering in marriage, we are called to pray, perfect ourselves to attempt to earn our abuser’s love, and hope for change.

But what if a hostile husband’s behaviors have nothing to do with a lack of understanding, a difficult phase in his life, his struggles at work, or a traumatic childhood?  What if the one with whom you share your bed is an utterly self-absorbed, abusive – even wicked – man?  What if he knows exactly what he is doing, doesn’t care if you are hurting and uses your faith to keep you bound to him?  Does your commitment to sacrifice yourself to his will minister to him or merely enable him?  If it is the latter, you must ask yourself:  Is that what God would have me do?

 The sun had barely crested the horizon that morning, when I awoke in my daughter’s bed.  Turning over, I realized that, during the night, my neck and shoulders had turned to stone.  I rose slowly and began to massage my neck to release some of the tension and became immediately overwhelmed with an emotional exhaustion too intense for words.  The night’s horror returned to revisit in full force.

Fortunately, none of our four kids were at home – three had spent the night at their grandparents’ house, and one was at a slumber party.  The timing could not have been better, as the evening’s events encompassed a full range of terror and tears that ended without resolution long after midnight.  I had confronted my husband about the relationship he was obviously pursuing with another woman, and he raged at me for having the audacity to eavesdrop on the late-night telephone conversation I overheard him having with her from our bedroom.

They don’t want to hear my stories.  They refuse to believe what I say.

“Show me your scars,” they tell me, crossing their arms in disdain.  “Prove to me the harm he has done.  Without physical proof of your pain, I have to assume you have none.”

I suppose it is easy for the outsider to distrust wounds for which there is no physical evidence.  And I confess, such indifference further adds to my pain.

If only he would hit me.  Sometimes I wish he would.  Then they might understand what he has put me through, how much it hurts, that some of the deepest wounds never bleed.  Maybe if my bones were broken, if blood flowed from all the hurting places, the cynics and know-it-alls would not be so quick to downplay my fears or tell me that the things he does or says are inconsequential.

On the Reformed Baptist Fellowship blog, Pastor D. Scott Meadows recently offered a document he suggested should serve as a Christian Wife’s Marriage Catechism.

Supposedly directed at believing women who are married to potentially ungodly unbelievers, let’s just say that upon reading it, I was enraged.  I prefer to think of the piece as An Abuser’s Empowerment Declaration.

Of the Questions and Answers provided, the two specifically noted below sent me into orbit.  Take a gander, reading as though a wife is asking the question, followed by the catechism response (You can click on the link above to read the entire catechism, along with a lengthy array of responses to the piece.):

Q11.    How good a husband is my husband to me?

A11.    Much better than I deserve, and therefore I will thank God for him every day.